Sadness

The quiet of the night is when the memories of you come flooding back. I feel like my heart is being broke all over again. I don't feel you with me anymore no matter how much I want to. I know you are not in pain but all these years later those of us left behind still do. Tonight I cried for you like I do a lot of nights. There is more time between them now but they still happen. I hope one day I can think of you and just be happy but for now I still get sad even when I think of all the good times we had. I miss you grandma and I love you.

Addiction Affects Everyone

   Being a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and friend to an addict is not easy. You learn that you will never hear the truth no matter how simple it would be. You can’t count on them for anything. Living with an addict is hell. You are afraid to go to sleep not know what could happen if you are not there to watch them. You worry about them all the time especially the ones you don’t see every day. You don’t want to answer the phone because you never know when you will get THAT CALL that nobody ever wants. Unfortunately that call will come one day if they don’t get the help they need. You blame yourself for a long time when it is your parent using. Could I have done more to help out so they didn’t feel so stressed, was I not good enough, do they not love me as much as they love the drug. No matter how far away you get from the person you still worry every day. It doesn’t get easier only harder. You watch them killing their selves slowly every day. You give them ultimatums to try and get them to quit but it will not work. You beg them and list all the reasons they have to live a clean life but the drug has such a hold on them and their mind that it doesn’t matter.

    Growing up I never heard much about addiction and never thought it would affect my family. I was wrong. I am that daughter, sister, cousin, niece, granddaughter, and friend of an addict. I go through hell every day worrying about them. Just like many people do now. We have a problem that needs a better solution than the ones we have. We need a way to cure the problem than just treating it. We need harsher punishments for the dealers. If they face attempted murder charges or murder charges when caught maybe there wouldn’t be so many of them. They only get a few years or probation when caught dealing no matter how many times they are caught. It is time for us to stand up and show them we are done letting them sell the stuff that is killing our family and friends. Now is the time for everyone affected by this to stand up and do something about it! This is an epidemic that can be stopped.  

    Why do we need to bury more people we love from overdoses or a bad batch of whatever their drug of choice may be? We have all seen where this life leads; theft, prostitution, jail/prison, or death. Our crime rates are sky rocketing due to this. We need to make our cities safe again. We need to keep our children safe again. They are the ones that suffer more than anyone by living with the addicts and the states not stepping in to help the kids and will not let anyone else help either. No kid deserves to live that way. No kid deserves to watch their parents like that. 

   

   Please stand up and fight for harsher punishments and let us make a better future for the next generation of kids. We can stop this cycle. 

Missing you

Missing You

My daughter will never know you,
Only the memories I hold dear.
She will never have to know the pain I feel of losing you.
I think of you ever day,
I look up and smile knowing you are watching me.
I hide behind the smile that hides the pain so well.
It helps knowing I will be sitting with you again one day.
I love you and miss you so much.

~A~

I wrote this when I lost my grandma.

 

My grandma holding my daughter the day she was born.